I’m feeling all over the place lately. I’m not sure what the eff to do with my life or with myself. I’m losing my shine. Losing my sheen. And losing control.
I’m realizing that I can’t ki-ki my way to sanity. Or hair-flip myself to happiness. Progress isn’t cute or fun. It’s dark, and it hurts.
Some days it’s hard to smile, but I still pose and sissy the house down because it’s all I know how to do lately. I fake it. In hopes that I’ll eventually make it.
But is this character a form of strength or just a defense mechanism protecting me from dealing? Do I rely on it because I’m afraid of showing everyone my ugly self? Or do I do it because everyone expects it?
I don’t have answers, nor have I made any decisions. Right now, I’m content to float around in this bubble of personal misery and confusion.
I’m not going to pretend that I’ve found my path, or that I know where I’m going from here. Because I don’t. I’m lost. HELLA lost.
This is what depression feels like to me. Feeling unsure. Feeling weak. Feeling like I’m not living up to my potential. Feeling like I’m a loser. Feeling like I’m both out of my mind, and trapped inside it.
I just want some peace for a little while. And a boost in my confidence would be nice. I want to be able to take a photo without having to pose or do a stupid ass face. I want to talk without having to take it to level 20. I just want to be me, and be happy about being me. No gimmicks. No tongue. No stickers. No gurlllll. Just me.