I take shipping like super seriously. I can’t watch new shows because I’m sometimes afraid that I’m gonna get caught in a new ship that I feel way too strongly about.

For those of you that don’t know what shipping is, shipping is essentially when you put two characters together and say that they belong together. Shipping. You put them in a ship together and they sail–y’know you get the whole thing.

My biggest ships are Buffy and Angel, number one of course. And probably one of my other fiercest ships is Cloud and Tifa from Final Fantasy 7, which is a hugely controversial one. Like people still can’t decide who belongs with who. Although I’m sure that mine is right, because he can’t be with… no, I’m not gonna do spoilers. Nevermind!

Umm… I mean, I just–shipping is a big deal to me. I’m kind of embarrassed. I probably should have picked a different topic because I look like a big loser, but… sorry. I’m weird.

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What is the point of life? For a while I’ve tried to find the answer to this question. I’m still far from a solid answer, but I’ve found something that seems right for now. Life, to me, is all about making good times and remembering them later. It sounds silly and simple, like duh. But in reality it’s deeper to me than that. The reality is that life is going to be shitty, a lot, unless you’re privileged or rich (and don’t give me that BS about how money can’t buy happiness). You live for each moment, so when things are down you have things to keep you moving forward.

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Obviously not every fun thing you do will be worth remembering, nor will they necessarily be enough fuel to keep you from getting stuck. Take Easter. Everyone around me had plans with friends or family, where I stayed in all day and ate some candy by myself. I wasn’t invited anywhere nor was I needed anywhere. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing because lord knows I love my time away from other people. I’m just saying that this specific memory won’t mean much to me in the long-run. It’s kind of meh.

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Lots of memories don’t mean much to me. Not because I’m ungrateful or bougie, but because I don’t want to just live. I want to create and make change, no matter how big or small. I want to leave marks wherever I go. I want to make things that are my own, and feel like I’m making life instead of just following it. It doesn’t have to be something huge like J.K. Rowling creating Harry Potter, or making a new alternative to fossil fuels–it can be something as small as a batch of cookies or a meal.

I am so used to having life pass me by that stopping and doing things makes me feel so alive. I feel like a real human being instead of a robot on a pre-set path. When you make something you feel alive. You feel like you have power. Maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m being really over-dramatic, but I truly believe that people would be more happy if they took time to create something in whatever medium they wanted.

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When I create it brings me into a world that I otherwise feel very separate from. I do my best to stay to myself and to go unnoticed in this world. It’s a defense mechanism to avoid rejection and pain, and it manifests most often through wearing headphones wherever I go, and looking down when I pass people. Sure, this keeps me safe most of the time. I get to listen to my playlists and go about my merry way. But what am I really adding to my life?

I’m missing opportunities to be part of things. To be part of a new group of friends. To add my thought nuggets to a controversial issue. To help someone just by listening to what they have to say. Lord knows if my defense mechanism was never put down I’d be so lost. I wouldn’t have met my best friends. I certainly wouldn’t have met my boyfriends. And if I hadn’t met my boyfriends I wouldn’t be able to be part of our three-way team in video games–which is generally unstoppable because I’m the powerhouse offense, Tommy is the brave one who always pushes the enemy back, and Rob is the one coordinating strategies. Right now our Diablo III characters are tearing up the world with little to no effort (I’m the Demon Hunter with black hair, Tommy is the Witch Doctor in the middle, and Rob is the monk on the end). Also, yay for them picking girls so we could destroy all the demons and hellspawn without needing any men.  :)

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With all this creating I feel like I’m changing, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m changing or just becoming more of who I really am. It’s kind of confusing, but regardless I feel like I’m making progress and moving forward, which is all I want.

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It’s funny how when I was a sort of passenger in my life nothing really mattered to me, but now that I’m more active, and actually living, even waiting for the bus at night makes me happy. I’m happy because I know I’m going to see people I care about. I’m happy because I’m doing something on my own. I’m happy because I’m a total loser, and going out at night feels totally punk rock and cool to me.

The memories I’m making–the ones I’m actively making–are going to make all the difference when the hard times kick it up a notch and really try to beat my ass into the ground. Like when shitty things happen I’ll just remember how my sister and I tied in a game of Mario Party, which has never happened to me ever. There wasn’t just one superstar, oh no. There was two! Princess Peach and Yoshi FTW!

I’m learning how to be happier in other areas of my life. Particularly the areas that I can’t control, even if I try. It’s a journey, and I know I’ll find my way. Even if I don’t believe it all the time.

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So the thing about insomnia is that… you like at sites like Tumblr, and even Twitter, and it’s looked at as kinda like funny or cool, maybe even a little counter culture. Like somehow it’s counter culture to not sleep.

But I think the sad reality is that insomnia is like really serious. It’s not this cute part of your personality. It’s something that you suffer from. Y’know, when it’s 2 in the morning, and when I want or need to go to sleep, because I have something to do in the morning, it’s not cute having to sit up. And y’know, your body is still exhausted. It’s just that you can’t sleep. So it’s not like you can sit there and be productive. You’re basically a sitting flesh bag with no energy. You’re just empty.

So Tumblr/Twitter please stop trying to make insomnia cute. It’s not cute. It’s not attractive. Like sit down. Take a seat. And stay seated.