Gay on a Budget >> Life Updates You Probably Don't Care About

1. There are only two months or so until the current program I’m working in is over. This is good news. I’m fulfilled (sometimes), but overall I’ve found so much of the work I do to be tedious and limiting, and the environment to be stressful and unsupportive. I’m very ready to move on to something else, even if that something else hasn’t been confirmed yet. I know I’ll find my way.

2. I completed my first volunteer shift at my local PAWS (Philadelphia Animal Welfare Society) shelter. Starting in new places is always hard for me because of my anxiety, but I was lucky enough to have a partner who also loves animals and volunteerism, so he went along with me. I had a great time working with all the cats and dogs and being awake at 9:00 AM instead of being dead in my bed. The day felt fuller to me, in a good way. I plan on volunteering again every weekend or every other weekend, because the shelter is right down the street and I really have no excuse.

3. A week or so ago I had this amazing realization about this really bad habit I have. It might be less of a habit, and more of a need, but what it causes in me is this urge to recreate best friendship with as many people as possible. I get even remotely close to someone and I find myself pushing the relationship to be bigger, better, faster, stronger. The reality is though, that if you have even one or two best friends you should consider yourself blessed. I have four people who have really reached that deep level with me and instead of being grateful for this, I keep focusing on the casual relationships I have and wondering why these people also don’t want to be my best friend. I’ve hurt myself for so long because of this. I feel like I’m not good enough, that people don’t really like me. But really, who cares? I have almost one handful of best friends so if I get more someday, awesome, if not, I’ll live, and probably even continue to thrive.

4. Freelancing has been stressful. For a while now I’ve been consistently in the rejection part of freelancing… whether that be unanswered pitches or direct rejections. It hurts and I get really defeated after a while, but I’m in a better place than I would’ve been a few months ago. The rejections still admittedly bother me, but at this point, I’ve accepted that rejection is part of life, especially when you’re a creative person. People aren’t always going to get it and that’s ok. People aren’t always going to think you’re cool and that’s ok. People are going to say no and that’s ok because it only takes one or two people saying yes to really change things.

5. My anxiety and depression still cripple me from time to time, mostly in the form of the physical exhaustion and restless mind combination, but I’m getting work done more lately than before. I’ve gotten myself working on some good routines, like actually eating healthier and committing to my vegan diet, having a consistent beauty regimen that I enjoy, reading ten pages or more every day (now I’m reading the biography of Frida Kahlo), and writing in my journal five days out of the week (I get two days to take off if I feel overwhelmed).

6. Life is hard but I’m still hoping and trying.

Gay on a Budget >> evoL

Love is apologizing

when you’re being

an asshole

because you feel bad

for hurting their eyes

with your less

than perfect self

 

It’s the feeling of

falling stomachs

racing hearts

and heavy bones

in anticipation of leaving

hours before you have to

 

Love is loving yourself

enough to love others

 

It’s the resonation

between

souls

auras

hearts

and minds

 

Sometimes it makes

you get out of

your warm bed in

the morning

because they have to

be up and you don’t

want them to be alone

 

Love is never

having enough time